Zidane's Trip Through Hell
by Tweaked Psyco
Summary: Zidane and a bad, bad, day. Please R&R!!!!!


Zidane's Great Adventure  
By: Lil' Chiba  
  
Zidane: Isn't it a beautiful day Dagger?  
  
The pile of balnkets next to him mummbles.  
  
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK!  
  
Steiner: PRINCESS!  
  
Zidane: (wispering) OH SHIT!  
  
He taps his lips to her forehead and jumps out the window his clothes in hand.  
  
The door opens slightly.  
  
Steiner: ..... Princess..... Princess.  
  
Dagger: Leave please.... Unless you want to watch me dress.  
  
Steiner: Oh, sorry.  
  
He steps out the room.  
  
Steiner: Hmmm......   
  
Meanwhile.......  
  
Eiko: DADDY! HURRY!  
  
Cid: Comming sweetie. Give daddy a minute.  
  
Eiko: No..... wait stay there a minute.  
  
She sees Zidane running buck ass naked.  
  
Eiko: WOW! It's SOOO big!   
  
Cid: What sweetie?  
  
Eiko: .... Ummmm...... The AIRSHIP!  
  
Cid: Yeah it's my latest model.  
  
Zidane starts climing the ladder.  
  
Eiko: (upon noticing) Look at that one DADDY!  
  
She whirls him around at amazing speed.  
  
Cid: It's nice.  
  
Meanwhile....  
  
Beatrix: Steiner..... Steiner..... STEINER GET YOUR RUSTY ASS IN HERE!  
  
Steiner: Yeah ........ What.  
  
Beatrix: SOUND HAPPY, DAMN YOU!  
  
Steiner: YEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSS MA'AM!  
  
Beatrix: That's better. You big, sexy, desirable teddy bear.  
  
Steiner: Grrrrrrrrrrr!  
  
Meanwhile.....  
  
Zidane: Whew! That was close. Wait a minute..... was that Eiko and Cid?  
  
Erin: Yeah, there checking out the new airships.  
  
Zidane: Could you.....  
  
Erin: Oh...... sure.  
  
She adverts her long, hard, steady gaze.  
  
Zidane: Uh ...... thanks.  
  
Zidane quikly dresses, keeping an eye out for Erin. Just in case.  
  
Meanwhile......  
  
Dagger dresses for a day of ruleing Alexandria, fireing guards, and dealing with peasent problems.  
  
Dagger: STEINER! BEATRIX!  
  
Steiner and Beatrix walk in with big grins on there faces.  
  
Steiner and Beatrix: Yes your majesty!  
  
Dagger: *sigh* Wipe those silly grins off your faces and do your jobs. ...Not each other.   
  
Steiner: Well may I inquire about you guest last night. If I'm not mistaken it's my good friend Zidane. He left in a hurry this morning. Seemed a little scared. What'd you do!  
  
Beatrix: STEINER! Don't EVER judge the princesses personal choices! How many times do I have to tell you!?  
  
Steiner: (like a whipped puppy) Sorry.  
  
Meanwhile......  
  
Erin: You come here often.  
  
Zidane: (toatally disgusted) No, I was just -  
  
Erin: About to leave.  
  
Zidane: DING, DING, DING! Tell her what she has won!  
  
He runs out as if a pack a wild, rabid, cougers, with four first names was chaseing after him.  
  
Erin: HOW RUDE! Sort makes him more desirable. Grrrrrrrrrr. I'll be waiting.  
  
Meanwhile......  
  
Cid: Sweetie, we have an airship to catch. We are of to see Garnet.  
  
Eiko: Dagger!? Let's go!  
  
Eiko runs to the airship, followed by Cid walking.  
  
Cid: Slow down Honey. We have plenty of time!  
  
Eiko is alredy climbing the ladder.  
  
Eiko: HURRY UP! WE DON'T HAVE MUCH TIME!  
  
Cid: Ha, ha, ha. That's my girl.  
  
Meanwhile.....  
  
Dagger: Dojebon.  
  
Dojebon: Yes your majesty.  
  
Dagger: I'm expecting Uncle Cid and Eiko soon. There coming by on there way home from the airship show in Treno. Make sure they are acompanied in their wishes.  
  
Dojebon: Yes your majesty!  
  
Dagger: *sigh* I'm so--- bored. Zidane, were are you?  
  
Meanwhile.....  
  
Zidane: Damn it, that Erin chick is *ugh*.  
  
He looks around to make sure he wasn't followed.  
  
Zidane: Whew! Wait... maybe I can use her overwhelming adoration (Wow! Big words!) for me to make her take me to Alexandria. Brilliant!  
  
Meanwhile....  
  
Erin: I'm still waiting, Zidane. Ha, ha, ha, ha!  
  
Not to long afterward ......  
  
Erin: ZIDANE!  
  
Zidane: Could you....  
  
Erin: Yes....  
  
Zidane: Give me a ride-  
  
Erin: Oh you naughty boy!  
  
Down goes her pants.  
  
Zidane: Ahhhhhhhhhhh! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!  
  
Erin: Phoey! Your no fun!  
  
Zidane: Take me to Alexandria!  
  
Meanwhile....  
  
Dagger: UNCLE CID!  
  
She jumps up and hugs Cid.  
  
Cid: Hey Garrnet!  
  
Eiko is wrapped around Dagger's legs.  
  
Eiko: DAGGER!  
  
Dagger: Eiko, hey.  
  
Meanwhile....  
  
Erin: You know you could be a little more sensitive to a girls feelings.  
  
Zidane: .........  
  
A little latter at the castle .......  
  
Dagger: * monotone* Nice to see you to Eiko.  
  
Eiko: DAGGER! DAGGER! DAGGER!  
  
Cid: Ummmmm.....  
  
Back at the lecture of Zidane's 4 lives......  
  
Erin: ..... furthermore.....  
  
All this while Zidane is thinking about Dagger, how damn long that bitch can talk, and he was getting hungry. VERY hungry.  
  
Zidane: *growlll* *moan*  
  
Erin: DON'T TELL ME YOUR HUNGRY RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF MY LECTURE!  
  
Zidane looks at Erin and sees his death there.He starts crying.  
  
Erin: HUH?!  
  
She feels pity for him.She gives him a powdered suger doughnut. Zidane's eyes water and he hugs Erin. It was a Kodak moment.  
  
Zidane: I don't know to thank you.  
  
Erin: Finish listening to my lecture. I'll cut it short.  
  
Zidane: Thank you,thank you.  
  
Over at Quan's Dwelling ......  
  
Vivi: Quina, can you pass the ketchup.  
  
Quina: NO! You thinks just 'cause we married in Conde Petie, I house wife! NO, NO, NO!  
  
Vivi: Ummm.... I just wanted the ketchup.  
  
Quina: GET IT YOUR DAMN SELF!   
  
Vivi reaches across the table and Quina bites his arm.  
  
Vivi: AHHHHHHH!  
  
Meanwhile.....  
  
Erin: ......you see we women......  
  
Zidane is drowsey so he starts sleeping with his eyes open. She had been talking so long he perfectd it, he even noded as if to agree with every point she made.  
  
Way later.....  
  
Erin: And that should about cover it.  
  
Zidane awakens.  
  
Zidane: Beautiful. I never knew.  
  
Erin: BULLSHIT! I KNOW YOU SLEPT WITH YOUR EYES OPEN! Now, from the top.....  
  
Zidane: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
He leaps from the airship, that is flying six-hundred feet in the air. He pulls a gyashl green from his pocket and Choco flies in and catches him.  
  
Zidane: HA!  
  
Over in the newly build Burmecia....  
  
Freya: (completly sloshed) KAREOKE!  
  
Amarant: (who is somehow unsober, you know hammered) ME FIRSHT!  
  
Freya: PHOOPHY!  
  
Frately: (the designated driver) I don't know them, I don't know them .......  
  
Lani: NO! DON'TS LETSH AMARANT HAVES ALLSA FUNE! I'MSGONA GOES.  
  
Lani clears her throat.  
  
Lani: I MAKE THOSES HEADS GO ROLLIN', ROLLIN', ROLLIN'  
  
Freya: WHA?  
  
Lani: THEY KEEPS ROLLIN', ROLLIN',ROLLINS'  
  
It was just insane. After Lani was drug off stage Amarant went up.  
  
Amarant: let the bodies hit the flo,  
let the bodies hit the flo,  
let the bodies hit the flo,  
let the bodies hit the..... FLLLLLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
One, nothin' wrongs with me,  
Two, nothin's wrong withs me,  
Three, nothin' wrong with me,  
Four, NOTHING WRONG WITH MEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Lani: LIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Not long after Amarant was drug off stage. Freya was up.  
  
Freya: IIIIIIIIIIIIII..... LIKE FRATELEY'S BUTT AND I CAN NOT LIE!  
YOU OTHER BERMEACIANS CAN'T DENY!  
  
Frately didn't go near that. Afterward Lani went back.  
  
Lani: .... AMARANT'S PENIS IS THE SIZE OF A PEANUT, HAVE YOU SEEN IT, F*** NO YOU AIN'T SEEN IT, IT'S THE SIZE OF A PEANUT!  
  
Freya: huh?  
  
The frightenting insanity went on and on.  
  
Well back to Zidane....  
  
Zidane was taking to his chocobo. Not that one, Choco.  
  
Zidane: You know what Choco?  
  
Chco: kweh?  
  
Zidane: When was the last time you got a blowjob?  
  
Choco: F*** OFF YOU NASTY MOTHERF***ER!!!!  
  
Zidane: NOT ME YOU DUMB BASTERD!  
  
Choco: THAT'S IT!  
  
He drops Zidane right in front of the Iifa Tree.  
  
Zidane: .....damn. CHOCO! WHEN I GET AHOLD OF YOU, I'LL HAVE QUINA BREAD AND DEEP-FAT FRY YOUR ASS! GET BACK HERE, POULTRY!!!!!!  
  
Back at Alexandria.....  
  
Dagger: OH YES! BEATRIX! YES! YES!! YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Beartix showed her, you guessed, a picture of the Hope Diamond and asked her if she wanted it for her birthday. What did you think it was..... GET YOUR MINDS OUT OF THE GUTTER! FILTHY BASTARDS! Don't worry you weren't alone in thinking so.  
  
Steiner: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!? STOP THAT IMEADIATELY!  
  
Steiner walks in and sees Beatrix holding a picture and Garnets eyes shining with greed.   
  
Steiner: Ummmmm...... Sorry ladies.  
  
He walks out more than slightly embaresed.  
  
Well let's see how Quina and Vivi are getting along.....  
  
Quina: It's like hes doesn't respect me.  
  
Quina and Vivi were in Kuja's marriage counceling office.  
  
Kuja: I see. I say, since your a Gourmand, he doesn't understand your habbits.  
  
Vivi: .......  
  
Kuja: So I think you should.....EAT HIM! KILL HIM! BLAST HIM INTO A MILLION PEICES!  
  
Vivi: Don't I get a say?  
  
Quina: SEE ALWAYS THINKING OF HIMSELF!  
  
Kuja: It's okay Quina. Let's here Vivi's side.  
  
Vivi: I just wanted her to pass the damn ketchup.  
  
Kuja: Okay then Vivi you should ........ EAT HER! KILL HER! BLAST HER INTO A MILLION PEICES!   
  
Quina & Vivi: ........  
  
Let's see how the drunken heros and their designated driver are doing.......  
  
Freya: GETCHOR FREEEAAAAAAAAK ONS!  
GETCHOR FREEEEEEAAAAAAAKK ON!  
GETCHA, GETCHA, GETCHA, GETCHA FREAK ON!  
  
Frately was in the bathroom releiving stress during all this. He was chewing tobaco and Nicorete Orange gum, wearing Nicoderm CQ patches, smoking a cigarette, and eating (my favorite) a powdered suger doughnut. Afterward he walks out.  
  
Freya: .... COPYWRITTEN SOS DONSH'T..... FRATELY! WHAT'S THATSH POWDER ON SHYOR NOSEIE!  
  
Frately: IT'S POWDERED SUGAR FOR GOD'S SAKE!   
  
Everyone stops to look at Frately.  
  
Lani: Suuuuuuuuuuure! We trust ya.  
  
Frately stalked out in anger.  
  
O.k. what's happeming to Eiko and Cid......  
  
Eiko: DAGGER!  
  
Dojebon: She is busy right now, may I give her a message?  
  
Eiko: I WANT TO SPEAK TO DAGGER NO------W!   
  
Dojebon was following strict orders. To put up with Eiko's bitching untill Dagger was fully prepared for her. It was killing him. She reminded him of the bitchy girl on Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory who wanted the Umpaloompa no----w!  
  
Dagger: Eiko youv'e got to go now to deal with some political problems in Lindblum.  
  
Eiko: Can I spend the night? Pleeeeeeeeaaaase!  
  
Dagger: I'm sorry you can't I'm going to be busy.  
  
Eiko: Oh. (bitch) OKAY!  
  
Cid: Ready to go sweetie?  
  
Eiko: Sure.  
  
They soon leave.  
  
Dagger: THA-----NK YOU!  
  
What's Zidane doing now?.....  
  
Zidane: ......damn. I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE IN ALEXANDRIA TONIGHT! NOOOO! WHOOOOOOAAAAAA!  
  
He falls into a Gargant tunnel that leads to Fossil Roo!  
  
Zidane: YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AT THIS PACE I CAN MAKE ALEXDRIA WITH AN HOUR TO SPARE!  
  
Zidane starts to shake his "groove thing" then starts to pick flowers to give to Dagger (how sweet) when all of a sudden a gargant snaches him up by the flowers and takes him to Qu's Marsh.  
  
Zidane: Now THAT was convenient! ......but MY FLOWERS!  
  
Zidane didn't have time to morn so he picked some violets for her and scooted on to Lindblum.  
  
Well Eiko and Cid are back! Let's check in on them....  
  
Cid: .... and that leads me to my conclusion.  
  
Eiko: Hurry up Gramps I'm bored.  
  
He finishes quickly.Zidane pops in.  
  
Zidane: Cid.... I have a favor to ask of you....  
  
Eiko gives him the evil eye.  
  
Cid: Sure Zidane. What is it?  
  
Zidane: Can I catch a ride to Alexandria, pleeeeeeeease?  
  
Cid: Of course.  
  
Zidane: Thanks. Bye Cid.  
  
Cid: Bye Zidane.  
  
He runs to the airship docks and catches an airship.  
  
How's the drunken singers?......  
  
Freya: (the alcohol was wearing off) * moan* how are we suppose to get home now?  
  
Just then Mikoto walks in.  
  
Mikoto: I'll give you a lift.  
  
Finally someone sober.  
  
Mikoto: Were to?  
  
Everyone: Alexandria.  
  
Mikoto: O.k.!  
  
They all jump in to Mikoto's hatchback.  
  
What's going on with Quina and Vivi?....  
  
Quina: Vivi?  
  
Vivi: Hmmmmm?  
  
Quina: Where did thise kids come from?  
  
Vivi: The factory.  
  
Quina: How do we tell them.  
  
Vivi: We don't. Now go to sleep.  
  
Quina:Are you sure youe not cheating on me?  
  
Vivi:......  
  
Alright, weird. What's up with Steiner and Beatrix....  
  
Beatrix: Steiner.... I think we should stop spying on Garnet's private life.  
  
Steiner: ...but...  
  
Beatrix: NO BUTS!  
  
Steiner: Yes mam'.  
  
What could Dagger be doing tonight?.....  
  
Dagger: Where are you Zidane?  
  
She hears a knock on her window.  
  
Zidane: Hey. Miss me?  
  
Dagger: ZIDANE!  
  
She jumps up and smacks her lips on his cheek.  
  
Zidane: I bear gifts.  
  
Dagger: Violets! OH you didn't have to!  
  
And you know what happened. Well let's see what happened to our hungover crew....  
  
Freya: Thanks Mikoto.  
  
Mikoto: No prob.  
  
She goes to the inn. The crew go there ways. Freya goes to Frately, Amarant also to the inn as well as Lani.All is well.  
  
Let's see what happens to everyone after this.  
  
Dagger & Zidane are (unlucky for me and Erin) wed.Eiko goes into depression but is cured by some hunky blond guy named Tori. Cid hates to see her grow up but is happy for her. Steiner and Beatrix are the only guards that are weded besides Weimer and his two....three.... oh lost count, wives. Erin is flirting with every male she meets. Quina divorces Vivi after finding out about his girlfriend in the Black Mage Village and wonders why she didn't do it early. Freya and Frately are discussing his tobaco and podered sugar addictions. They work it out.Lani and Amarant earn the tittle " Worst Kareoke singers but best assassins. Choco was servsed as the main dish at Zidane's bacelor party. Dagger gets the Hope Diamiond she wanted. Kuja is kicked out of his buisness.Mikoto becomes a chaperon for people to drunk to drive. I well I say thank god this fic is done!  
  
  
  
  



End file.
